Am I more than you bargained for yet?

You wake up but not really. In the bedroom you grew up in. It's the only place on this entire planet that is yours. The only place on the planet that understands you. It understands the way your nerves flare everytime you think about talking to anyone, scared into shyness at the thought of opening your mouth but the way you are the best hypocrite around when you're in front of a microphone. It knows what turns that switch on and off and on again. It understands the way when you don't have a smile on your face everyone only spits: "what's wrong"s and "you look tired"s. So the way you keep it on your face just wide enough to avoid questions. It understands how neurotic you have become, the way you treat your flaws like old friends. The way you look in the mirror and think of yourself as "Ms. Misery"...

I hate grammar.
I hate spell check.
they are tools and trades we focus on when the right words escape us.
while we can use them in a world that we write, where we make our own rules, they can rob a piece of its life.
for me words are more of a compulsion.
it is involuntary.
it falls in the catagory of breathing and the beating of the heart.
sometimes I want to throw my hands up.
to wave the white flag.
to apologize for everything I havent done yet.
but usually I want to forget the pictures and the rumors.
to become a recollection, a shared memory. visually: a faint, sentimental face that blurs into the background of everything. to watch that everything turn to static.
and only be thought of by the clicking of these keys.