Night in Shining Amor

She gave you a chance
And you said that you loved her
From across the room
She wanted to make this last
But you left far too soon

ALl that she needed was for you to say
That you would be by her side
She believed in what they all warned against
She believed your lies

You talked her up to her highest ledge
Watched her fall, and as one last favor
Walked away. Now she's not breathing
Why didn't you save her?

She will remember this day as the day
That her heart led her out of her mind
And with all of your lies just floating around
Eventually she will find

That you talked her up to her highest ledge
Watched her fall, and as one last favor
Walked away. Now she’s not breathing
Why didn’t you save her?

Tell the dial tone your secrets
'cause she's the only one who cared
and now that you're out of cigarettes
Do you realize she's not there?

'cause you talked her up to her highest ledge
Watched her fall, and as one last favor
Walked away. Now she's not breathing
Why didn't you save her?

Run away with me to a better place

So in the last week or so...
my grandpa passed away. I decided not to do summer musical or go on the mission trip. Was given an opportunity for a record deal, but shot down because I was "too fat and ugly for any hope of surviving in the music industry." And found out that one of my best friends, who I was really looking forward to hanging out with all next year, and (I guess its safe to say this here) is one of the main reasons I decided to stay in Evansville for college, is moving to Atlanta at the end of the summer.

On the plus side, though. I'm finding out about a lot of opportunities that keep opening up to me now that I don't have summer musical, and making plans with a lot of friends that I wouldn't normally get to hang out with, and won't see after this summer... at least not for a long time.
And I've lost thirty pounds in two months.
I really wanted to lose 50 by graduation, but seeing as that's two weeks away, I don't think its going to happen.

I'm kind of afraid of graduation. Well, not so much that, more of what comes after that. Now that none of us are forced to be friends anymore... we don't have the excuse of "I better keep up so things aren't awkward next year." and no one has to be nice to anyone...
what's going to happen to us?

I guess its the true test of friendship and loyalty.
I hope I pass.


And I really hope he doesn't move to Atlanta. I'll never see him again if he does.

I need to get my head together. Maybe I'll do that later. Along with a 10 page research paper and a 20 page lab report... both due Friday.

Curse you, senioritis.

two weeks changes everything.

Its the first time I ever felt this lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
Its funny when you think its gonna work out
Til you chose weed over me, you're so lame

I thought you were cool until the point
But up until the point you didnt call me
When you said you would
I finally figured out youre all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Everytime I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You can't
Youre too tough
You think you're loveless
Is that too much that I'm asking for?

I thought you'd come around when I ignored you
Sorta thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning
'Cause I'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself?
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

But everytime I try to make you smile
You'd always go on feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You stand like a stone
Alone in your zone
...it was too much that I asked him for.

But I see through it all. See through, see you.

So, I'm pretty sure no one really reads this. At least not religiously or anything. So by the time anyone finds this post, it probably won't matter anymore.
This is about a boy.
This is me trying to figure out just what it is about this boy.
We'll call him... well, we'll just call him boy.

To get the full effect of this post, however, "Good Enough" by Evanescence should probably be playing in the background while you read it.

Go on, I'll wait.

Ready?

okay.

Boy.
Boy, oh boy.

I hadn't seen him in over a week.
Well, technically I hadn't seen him in over 24 hours.
But I only got to see him yesterday for about 30 seconds, and we didn't get to talk.
tonight we got to talk.
tonight was good.

It takes me a long time to trust someone.
Months, usually. Sometimes years.
It took him a matter of minutes to make me trust him, and just a few days for me to trust him with everything that I am.
I still don't understand that one.

And just when I start to think that I'm about to catch him being fake, or realize that I've made a mistake in trusting him so much so fast... he completely turns things around, and comes through for me.
And then he smiles.
That smiiiiile.
I love it.
I don't know what it is, but every time he smiles, I get these little butterflies, and they refuse to go away... and I literally melt.
He could ask me anything, and smile, and I wouldn't be able to tell him no.

He makes me feel alive.
He makes me feel okay.
He makes me feel safe.

I wish, more than anything, that I could just have a chance with him.
But he's already told me that it isn't going to happen.

he just... makes me so happy.
and I know, somehow, that he'll always be there.
and he really does value our friendship.
and he really is a good guy.
and I KNOW things would not work out between us.
I just... need to find a way that I KNOW I'm not going to lose him.

And I'm jealous. Oh, boy am I jealous of this new girl.
I wasn't until right now.

Well, that's not entirely true.
But I wasn't THIS jealous until right now.
All she said was "haaaaa"
two letters, really, and I want her dead.

And I don't usually get like that. And its dumb to get like that, because I know that if he knew I had a problem with her, he would stop.
And I don't have a problem with her.

I just... don't want her to start picking him up in the mornings.
I don't want to move down to spot number 6 in the top 8 because she's number 1 now. As stupid as that sounds.
She's not even in the top 24 at all yet.

I don't want to be forgotten, mostly.
And he promised he would call today... and he did.
And we're close. We're really, really close.
And he made me feel really special tonight.
I just don't want to be another pawn. I don't want to be used.
And somehow, I know he would never do that to me. I can't say enough how much I trust him, and how weird that is.

I missed him so much.
Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

camel no. 9

I think I need to keep in mind
that changing my looks
is not going to change my personality.

and that bettering myself on the outside
is actually a lot easier than bettering myself on the inside.

which means that I have a long, long road ahead of me.
and I'm already off to a horrible start.

I'm exhausted.
But twitchy.
And I know that if I lie down, I'll fall asleep but wake up 230729385 times before morning.

If it snows tonight, I'll cry.

I wish I had enough confidence to just say what I meant.
I wish I knew what I meant so I could know what I want the confidence to say.

My mom is in here. watching some weird show. And actually, she's in here asleep on the couch and the show is just on. and loud. and I just want her to go to bed, like she said she was going to do an hour ago, so I can turn on my music and actually concentrate on something for once.

Everything is annoying to me today.
So maybe I should stop paying attention.

Yeah.
Eight-thirty on a Friday night and I'm pretty much ready to call it a night.
Life is lame.

And then you call me and I can tell you're smiling.


And its been a long time since I've been this happy.

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me...

I just realized how lucky I am. Seriously. I'm probably the luckiest girl in the world. I'm not pretty. I don't have a boyfriend or anything for valentines day. I'm pretty much flat broke. And I'm going to embarrass the hell out of myself at this valentines day show at school in front of EVERYONE... except for my friends.
That's where the lucky part comes in.

I have the best friends in the entire world.
Seriously, I do.
And at the end of the day, I know they'll be there if I need them... and the ones I'm talking about are the ones that literally would come over at 3 in the morning if I needed them to. The ones that always have my back, even if I'm too afraid to lean sometimes. The ones that have been there and are still there even after everything I've put them through.
They're real. They're true. They're amazing.
And I love them.
And that's what valentines day is for.
Showing love.
And as long as these kids exist, I'll never dread another valentines day ever again.
I love you guys.
You know who you are.

Saturday: High of 12 degrees. Cold.

I like how the Weather Channel thinks we're stupid.

I'm sleepy today.
Things are changing faster than I can handle.
Usually before this kind of stuff happens, I sit alone and think about it for WEEKS before saying anything, or write countless vague entries (like this one) that I feel are opening every locked door and revealing all my secrets, however lame they might be, but in reality, no one really picks up on any of it, or cares to try, until I just lay it out there. Which I almost never do.

But this time, I didn't even think about the fact that this would be such a dramatic change for me. It was just so easy. Which probably means things are going to get way more complicated pretty soon.
Stories are getting crossed
Feelings are being compromised
Morals are being dumped by the bucketload out the window.

But not really.

Because, again, everything is way more complicated and involved when you look at it in my head.
And in reality, it was just a smile.

I love reading Chuck Pahalaniuk books, because they make me feel better about my life. The characters are in situations that I've never come close to, but feeling things I've felt a million times, and no one has ever explained it more beautifully.
In fact, no one has ever explained it at all.

I hate writing blogs when I have nothing to say. Because they end up like this. Jumbled. Fragmented. Random. And all of this connects SO WELL in my brain, but I don't really want to explain it. And you probably don't want to hear it anyway.

I wish I were prettier.

If two more people look at my myspace, I'll have reached 10,000 page views.
Is it sad that I've been looking forward to that all week?

There's only one person on this entire planet that I want to lay on the curb and watch the stars with.
Too bad you're asleep.

I wish there was some way for me to say how much last night meant to me. How much I want to cry when I think about it, only because I haven't ever been that happy before.

We had to write poems for AP Lit last week. I wrote mine about him. I hadn't seen him in so long, that I wasn't sure if I was exaggerating things or not. I wasn't.

"But what you can't understand
Is when you smile at me
My whole world explodes for you."

Almost three years.
And he knows me. He feels comfortable talking to me.
Not about big stuff. But we're excellent on the small talk.
I love him. I really think I do.

And people will fight me on that until the day I die.
And hopefully soon, I'll realize that it isn't true.

He has the most beautiful eyes on the planet.
And the most amazing smile.
And the kind of voice that I could listen to for hours.


And I know that if anything ever happened between us, my life would be on the fast track downhill. I told Laura Craddock that if I ever started dating him, to give me a week or so, but then to try to talk me out of it.
But I honestly don't think I'd listen to her.

I want this so bad.