I'm exhausted.
But twitchy.
And I know that if I lie down, I'll fall asleep but wake up 230729385 times before morning.

If it snows tonight, I'll cry.

I wish I had enough confidence to just say what I meant.
I wish I knew what I meant so I could know what I want the confidence to say.

My mom is in here. watching some weird show. And actually, she's in here asleep on the couch and the show is just on. and loud. and I just want her to go to bed, like she said she was going to do an hour ago, so I can turn on my music and actually concentrate on something for once.

Everything is annoying to me today.
So maybe I should stop paying attention.

Yeah.
Eight-thirty on a Friday night and I'm pretty much ready to call it a night.
Life is lame.

And then you call me and I can tell you're smiling.


And its been a long time since I've been this happy.

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me...

I just realized how lucky I am. Seriously. I'm probably the luckiest girl in the world. I'm not pretty. I don't have a boyfriend or anything for valentines day. I'm pretty much flat broke. And I'm going to embarrass the hell out of myself at this valentines day show at school in front of EVERYONE... except for my friends.
That's where the lucky part comes in.

I have the best friends in the entire world.
Seriously, I do.
And at the end of the day, I know they'll be there if I need them... and the ones I'm talking about are the ones that literally would come over at 3 in the morning if I needed them to. The ones that always have my back, even if I'm too afraid to lean sometimes. The ones that have been there and are still there even after everything I've put them through.
They're real. They're true. They're amazing.
And I love them.
And that's what valentines day is for.
Showing love.
And as long as these kids exist, I'll never dread another valentines day ever again.
I love you guys.
You know who you are.

Saturday: High of 12 degrees. Cold.

I like how the Weather Channel thinks we're stupid.

I'm sleepy today.
Things are changing faster than I can handle.
Usually before this kind of stuff happens, I sit alone and think about it for WEEKS before saying anything, or write countless vague entries (like this one) that I feel are opening every locked door and revealing all my secrets, however lame they might be, but in reality, no one really picks up on any of it, or cares to try, until I just lay it out there. Which I almost never do.

But this time, I didn't even think about the fact that this would be such a dramatic change for me. It was just so easy. Which probably means things are going to get way more complicated pretty soon.
Stories are getting crossed
Feelings are being compromised
Morals are being dumped by the bucketload out the window.

But not really.

Because, again, everything is way more complicated and involved when you look at it in my head.
And in reality, it was just a smile.

I love reading Chuck Pahalaniuk books, because they make me feel better about my life. The characters are in situations that I've never come close to, but feeling things I've felt a million times, and no one has ever explained it more beautifully.
In fact, no one has ever explained it at all.

I hate writing blogs when I have nothing to say. Because they end up like this. Jumbled. Fragmented. Random. And all of this connects SO WELL in my brain, but I don't really want to explain it. And you probably don't want to hear it anyway.

I wish I were prettier.

If two more people look at my myspace, I'll have reached 10,000 page views.
Is it sad that I've been looking forward to that all week?