But I see through it all. See through, see you.

So, I'm pretty sure no one really reads this. At least not religiously or anything. So by the time anyone finds this post, it probably won't matter anymore.
This is about a boy.
This is me trying to figure out just what it is about this boy.
We'll call him... well, we'll just call him boy.

To get the full effect of this post, however, "Good Enough" by Evanescence should probably be playing in the background while you read it.

Go on, I'll wait.

Ready?

okay.

Boy.
Boy, oh boy.

I hadn't seen him in over a week.
Well, technically I hadn't seen him in over 24 hours.
But I only got to see him yesterday for about 30 seconds, and we didn't get to talk.
tonight we got to talk.
tonight was good.

It takes me a long time to trust someone.
Months, usually. Sometimes years.
It took him a matter of minutes to make me trust him, and just a few days for me to trust him with everything that I am.
I still don't understand that one.

And just when I start to think that I'm about to catch him being fake, or realize that I've made a mistake in trusting him so much so fast... he completely turns things around, and comes through for me.
And then he smiles.
That smiiiiile.
I love it.
I don't know what it is, but every time he smiles, I get these little butterflies, and they refuse to go away... and I literally melt.
He could ask me anything, and smile, and I wouldn't be able to tell him no.

He makes me feel alive.
He makes me feel okay.
He makes me feel safe.

I wish, more than anything, that I could just have a chance with him.
But he's already told me that it isn't going to happen.

he just... makes me so happy.
and I know, somehow, that he'll always be there.
and he really does value our friendship.
and he really is a good guy.
and I KNOW things would not work out between us.
I just... need to find a way that I KNOW I'm not going to lose him.

And I'm jealous. Oh, boy am I jealous of this new girl.
I wasn't until right now.

Well, that's not entirely true.
But I wasn't THIS jealous until right now.
All she said was "haaaaa"
two letters, really, and I want her dead.

And I don't usually get like that. And its dumb to get like that, because I know that if he knew I had a problem with her, he would stop.
And I don't have a problem with her.

I just... don't want her to start picking him up in the mornings.
I don't want to move down to spot number 6 in the top 8 because she's number 1 now. As stupid as that sounds.
She's not even in the top 24 at all yet.

I don't want to be forgotten, mostly.
And he promised he would call today... and he did.
And we're close. We're really, really close.
And he made me feel really special tonight.
I just don't want to be another pawn. I don't want to be used.
And somehow, I know he would never do that to me. I can't say enough how much I trust him, and how weird that is.

I missed him so much.
Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

camel no. 9

I think I need to keep in mind
that changing my looks
is not going to change my personality.

and that bettering myself on the outside
is actually a lot easier than bettering myself on the inside.

which means that I have a long, long road ahead of me.
and I'm already off to a horrible start.