I keep asking why

As if I haven't ranted enough about this already...


I miss Jai. I do. I've been afraid to admit that for the last few months... afraid that the people around me would feel as if I didn't care about them as much as I cared about her.
Which, for most people... is true. There are a select few that I love just as much, if not more than Jai sometimes... but you guys have to understand... Jai was my best friend for ten years. We had a bond that no one would ever be able to break... I was pretty much adopted into her family. And since she was homeschooled, I was more or less her only friend... besides choir friends that is, and she was mine... so we would constantly be together.
Even after she got sick, I would go to the hospital with her when she had to get chemo... and we still talked everyday and spent the weekend with each other. When it got really bad, my parents would take me to Indy every other weekend to see her...

"I think I'll call Annie tomorrow."
Those were her last words. They were about me.

I loved that kid... and I miss her so much. Every day I miss her more. Not to sound dramatic or anything, but I usually end up crying myself to sleep at night. It was easier when Libby was here. At least she had known Jai... and knew pretty much what I was going through.

I just hate that all of this had to happen... and I hate that it still bothers me. I know she wants me to move on... I know she'd want me to be happy if she was still here... but I can't. I miss her. I want her back. I want to take her place.

Its not fair. Why did she get taken away from me? What did she do that was so horrible that she had to go through all that pain? Why did I have to lose her? It should have been me. I should have been the one dying. I should be the one in the ground now... because its cold... its cold and she doesn't have anyone to give her a blanket or a hug and tell her things will be warm again... she's cold, and alone, and there's nothing I can do. Its so cold... she should be here. She should have my friends, have a wonderful life... she would be grateful for it... she would be able to move on... I'm just too stubborn to see past this.

I just want a hug. I want a hug from Jai. I want her to come back. I need her to come back.

I just need her to come back.