I have an unstable knowledge and assurance of self.
I feel like I know pretty much who I am, and since I am only seventeen, I'm more or less positive that this will COMPLETELY change in a matter of a few short years.

But I don't want it to.

I had such low self-esteem for such a long time, that being able to wake up and not absolutely loathe the person in the mirror 100% of the time is an absolute miracle.
I like who I am now, and I haven't been able to say that in years.

I know that I'm not going to change until I want to... and until its right for me... and I know that whatever/whoever I change in to will be a reflection of who I am at the time, and therefore I'll be okay with whoever I am (or, at least I like to think so.)
And I know that being a 40-year-old women and still doing half the things I do now, would not exactly be smiled upon in society...

but it scares me. I don't ever want to be boring. I don't ever want to not have friends. I don't ever want anyone to look at me and feel sorry for me. I don't want to be the old woman using her walker in walmart who drops her soap and can't pick it up.
I would rather die now, I think.

I wish there were a way to push a button and see a preview for the future, just so I know that it exists, and that everything will be, in a sense, okay.

I wish someone cared.

one thing I'm grateful for this week is the fact that Kasey gave me a new CD.

its AMAZING. I'm in LOVE.

The Band is called Flyleaf, and if you haven't heard of them, I suggest that you change that immediately.

Music has the power to completely and totally change my day/week/year/life.

I looooooooooooove lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove it.

In other news
my nose itches REALLY bad. I can't seem to make it stop.
don't you hate that?

13 days until school is out, with only 9 actual days of school left, and actually, if you put the half days together, its only like... 7. And if I don't count the last day of school or my second day of finals which is going to be cake... then its only 6. yaaaaaaay!
I'm so ready to be done with this year, I can't even tell you.

14 days until the COOLEST trip to holiday world EVER.
With the COOLEST people I've ever met.

16 days until my summer kick-off party. I'm gonna start having pool parties every thursday night. I'm excited. it will be fun. leave your drama at the door.
I suppose I should go ahead and ask my parents if that's okay.

21 days until summer musical starts.

Two days until I go to the mall to apply for a job with Jamie.

approxamately 70 days until I decide if I'm going to go to Sig next year, or finish out my high school career at Reitz.
Which I would love to do.
It would have made things a lot easier in the first place.
But I wouldn't have met half of the amazing people that I know now.

But I miss my friends. I miss Laura and Jamie. And after this summer, I'm not sure I'll be able to survive without them.
We're going to have a CRAZY summer.
I'm so excited.
I'm going to lose 19384793w786492385 pounds and makes Steve fall in love with me.

Until then, however, I have to make it past school.

So I'm going to go work on that.
<3