RIP Jai.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Thursday, April 21, 2005
I'm
confused.
and stupid.
and lazy.
sheesh.
no one reads this. its pointless.
I hate you, just so you know.
Though, you aren't reading this... so again, its pointless.
I don't care anyway, contrary to popular belief
And when I say popular, what I really mean is... you.
I don't even believe in love... and this is what you do to me.
you make me weak
and very, very sad.
yet...
ah, nevermind.
leave me alone.
confused.
and stupid.
and lazy.
sheesh.
no one reads this. its pointless.
I hate you, just so you know.
Though, you aren't reading this... so again, its pointless.
I don't care anyway, contrary to popular belief
And when I say popular, what I really mean is... you.
I don't even believe in love... and this is what you do to me.
you make me weak
and very, very sad.
yet...
ah, nevermind.
leave me alone.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Saturday, March 12, 2005
So, things have been improving little by little lately.
Some new challenges have appeared, but some old ones have disappeared... or, at least they had.
About two months ago, I decided to start "changing my life". It worked, for the most part. It was strange though... before when I had tried to do anything like that... it had been very very difficult, and I usually gave up in a matter of days or weeks. This time, however, it was relatively easy. What I didn't realize was there was a key element in all of this. One thing... well, person, really... that controled whether or not I was to succeed.
The day that I stopped associating with this person, we'll call them red, was the day that I 'started to change my life'. This was not on purpose. I didn't really want to end things with red... it just sort of happened. And, usually, not associating with red was the worst thing ever... it drove me insane.
This time, however, I was too preoccupied to even notice that so much time had gone by.
That is, until today. Today I recieved a message from red. It was simple, and short. Nothing hostile or profound about it... in fact, all it really said was hey. It haunted me all day, and I didn't know why... until now.
I have somehow subconciously related all of the 'bad things' that I was doing/were going on, with red. By not talking to red, I stopped thinking about those things. With the short message, those things were brought back in full strength.
Now, to fully understand this, you need to understand that Red and I have a very rocky history. In fact, I could write a book... in fact, I think I have. So, for the people who know the story, this just seems like me being melodramatic... but I swear to God I'm not.
I'm sitting here now, staring at Red's screenname, crying in attempts to keep myself sane.
I knew things were too good to last.
Some new challenges have appeared, but some old ones have disappeared... or, at least they had.
About two months ago, I decided to start "changing my life". It worked, for the most part. It was strange though... before when I had tried to do anything like that... it had been very very difficult, and I usually gave up in a matter of days or weeks. This time, however, it was relatively easy. What I didn't realize was there was a key element in all of this. One thing... well, person, really... that controled whether or not I was to succeed.
The day that I stopped associating with this person, we'll call them red, was the day that I 'started to change my life'. This was not on purpose. I didn't really want to end things with red... it just sort of happened. And, usually, not associating with red was the worst thing ever... it drove me insane.
This time, however, I was too preoccupied to even notice that so much time had gone by.
That is, until today. Today I recieved a message from red. It was simple, and short. Nothing hostile or profound about it... in fact, all it really said was hey. It haunted me all day, and I didn't know why... until now.
I have somehow subconciously related all of the 'bad things' that I was doing/were going on, with red. By not talking to red, I stopped thinking about those things. With the short message, those things were brought back in full strength.
Now, to fully understand this, you need to understand that Red and I have a very rocky history. In fact, I could write a book... in fact, I think I have. So, for the people who know the story, this just seems like me being melodramatic... but I swear to God I'm not.
I'm sitting here now, staring at Red's screenname, crying in attempts to keep myself sane.
I knew things were too good to last.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Alas for Petrouchka
So, I'm leaving for speech practice relatively soon. That should be fun. I've been up since 8. I wanted to sleep in, but I can't do it anymore. *sigh*
I went to be at like... 10 though, so its okay. I couldn't stay up, I was so tired.
I went to Maggie's thing last night... that was fun. Thats the first party I've been to in a long time where no one has been depressed or had an emotional breakdown or anything. I'm not saying anything against those people. I'm guilty of it myself. I've ruined many parties by feeling sorry for myself, and I apologize. It was just fun though, and I liked that.
I'm kinda thirsty. I'm kinda hungry too. I should go eat something... I won't be home for awhile.
Hmm... I'll be around later I suppose. I have a lot to update about.
I went to be at like... 10 though, so its okay. I couldn't stay up, I was so tired.
I went to Maggie's thing last night... that was fun. Thats the first party I've been to in a long time where no one has been depressed or had an emotional breakdown or anything. I'm not saying anything against those people. I'm guilty of it myself. I've ruined many parties by feeling sorry for myself, and I apologize. It was just fun though, and I liked that.
I'm kinda thirsty. I'm kinda hungry too. I should go eat something... I won't be home for awhile.
Hmm... I'll be around later I suppose. I have a lot to update about.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
No one has said what the truth should be,
And no one decided that I'd feel this way,
If you felt as I,
Would you betray yourself?
But you can't deny how I feel,
And you can't decide for me.
No one should fear what they cannot see,
And no ones to blame it's just hypocrisy,
It's written in your eyes,
And how I despise myself.
But you can't deny how I feel,
And you can't decide for me.
And it's your heart,
That's so wrong,
Mistaken,
You'll never know,
Your feathered sacred self.
But you can't deny how I feel,
And you can't decide for me.
And you can't deny how I feel,
And why should you decide for me.
And no one decided that I'd feel this way,
If you felt as I,
Would you betray yourself?
But you can't deny how I feel,
And you can't decide for me.
No one should fear what they cannot see,
And no ones to blame it's just hypocrisy,
It's written in your eyes,
And how I despise myself.
But you can't deny how I feel,
And you can't decide for me.
And it's your heart,
That's so wrong,
Mistaken,
You'll never know,
Your feathered sacred self.
But you can't deny how I feel,
And you can't decide for me.
And you can't deny how I feel,
And why should you decide for me.
Monday, January 31, 2005
I keep asking why
As if I haven't ranted enough about this already...
I miss Jai. I do. I've been afraid to admit that for the last few months... afraid that the people around me would feel as if I didn't care about them as much as I cared about her.
Which, for most people... is true. There are a select few that I love just as much, if not more than Jai sometimes... but you guys have to understand... Jai was my best friend for ten years. We had a bond that no one would ever be able to break... I was pretty much adopted into her family. And since she was homeschooled, I was more or less her only friend... besides choir friends that is, and she was mine... so we would constantly be together.
Even after she got sick, I would go to the hospital with her when she had to get chemo... and we still talked everyday and spent the weekend with each other. When it got really bad, my parents would take me to Indy every other weekend to see her...
"I think I'll call Annie tomorrow."
Those were her last words. They were about me.
I loved that kid... and I miss her so much. Every day I miss her more. Not to sound dramatic or anything, but I usually end up crying myself to sleep at night. It was easier when Libby was here. At least she had known Jai... and knew pretty much what I was going through.
I just hate that all of this had to happen... and I hate that it still bothers me. I know she wants me to move on... I know she'd want me to be happy if she was still here... but I can't. I miss her. I want her back. I want to take her place.
Its not fair. Why did she get taken away from me? What did she do that was so horrible that she had to go through all that pain? Why did I have to lose her? It should have been me. I should have been the one dying. I should be the one in the ground now... because its cold... its cold and she doesn't have anyone to give her a blanket or a hug and tell her things will be warm again... she's cold, and alone, and there's nothing I can do. Its so cold... she should be here. She should have my friends, have a wonderful life... she would be grateful for it... she would be able to move on... I'm just too stubborn to see past this.
I just want a hug. I want a hug from Jai. I want her to come back. I need her to come back.
I just need her to come back.
I miss Jai. I do. I've been afraid to admit that for the last few months... afraid that the people around me would feel as if I didn't care about them as much as I cared about her.
Which, for most people... is true. There are a select few that I love just as much, if not more than Jai sometimes... but you guys have to understand... Jai was my best friend for ten years. We had a bond that no one would ever be able to break... I was pretty much adopted into her family. And since she was homeschooled, I was more or less her only friend... besides choir friends that is, and she was mine... so we would constantly be together.
Even after she got sick, I would go to the hospital with her when she had to get chemo... and we still talked everyday and spent the weekend with each other. When it got really bad, my parents would take me to Indy every other weekend to see her...
"I think I'll call Annie tomorrow."
Those were her last words. They were about me.
I loved that kid... and I miss her so much. Every day I miss her more. Not to sound dramatic or anything, but I usually end up crying myself to sleep at night. It was easier when Libby was here. At least she had known Jai... and knew pretty much what I was going through.
I just hate that all of this had to happen... and I hate that it still bothers me. I know she wants me to move on... I know she'd want me to be happy if she was still here... but I can't. I miss her. I want her back. I want to take her place.
Its not fair. Why did she get taken away from me? What did she do that was so horrible that she had to go through all that pain? Why did I have to lose her? It should have been me. I should have been the one dying. I should be the one in the ground now... because its cold... its cold and she doesn't have anyone to give her a blanket or a hug and tell her things will be warm again... she's cold, and alone, and there's nothing I can do. Its so cold... she should be here. She should have my friends, have a wonderful life... she would be grateful for it... she would be able to move on... I'm just too stubborn to see past this.
I just want a hug. I want a hug from Jai. I want her to come back. I need her to come back.
I just need her to come back.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Who's left and who's leaving?
So, I'm sitting here wondering if there are any random people out there who actually read this and just don't say anything. I don't mind really. It doesn't matter to me. However, if the case is that no one sees this at all, I may use it for other things. Nothing too personal, mind you. I do comment with this username and such... just... other things.
So, if you're reading this right now and plan to return... if you could please leave an anonymous comment that says... uh... 'a phone call from far away' (what? its in a song...)
Or you can leave your name and a comment that makes sense to someone other than Allie and myself. its up to you. I'd just like to know. So, if you have any respect for me at all (yes, I'm pulling a guilt trip) I'd appreciate either of those things.
I think that about does it for now. Off to homework
Thank you for your time... that is, if there are any of you... I guess we'll find out.
So, if you're reading this right now and plan to return... if you could please leave an anonymous comment that says... uh... 'a phone call from far away' (what? its in a song...)
Or you can leave your name and a comment that makes sense to someone other than Allie and myself. its up to you. I'd just like to know. So, if you have any respect for me at all (yes, I'm pulling a guilt trip) I'd appreciate either of those things.
I think that about does it for now. Off to homework
Thank you for your time... that is, if there are any of you... I guess we'll find out.
Friday, January 21, 2005
so I've been thinking that maybe I'd just make this a lyric journal. Whenever I hear a good new song, or am completely identifying with a song that I already have... I would just post lyrics in here. (Like I did on the last entry) I've always wanted to do that... but, I know first hand that reading just lyrics gets boring. If I don't know the song, I usually don't finish reading the lyrics... and I would probably get personally offended if no one read my precious lyrics.
So anyway, I decided that I'll mix in a few entries now and then. I mean, what's wrong with having...what... 5 blogs now? (yeah, I deleted a few)
Things suck for me lately, but hey, what else is new. I'm not trying to be one of those emo kids who are all 'no one loves me. the world is against me. it seems like everyone's out to get me... I'm in love with someone who doesn't even know I exist...' etc. but, well, no one loves me, the world is against me, it seems like everyone's out to get me and I'm in love with someone who doesn't even know I exist.
huh, maybe I'm an emo kid after all. who knew. its not so bad I suppose. Better than being... umm... a piece of gum. Think about it. You start out as a looooooong strand of gum... all happy and content with your family and friends... until one day, some idiot comes and chops you off into a little two inch piece (unless you're that foot long gum... but we wont' get into that) you get coated with sugar and all kind of nasty stuff, and then stuffed into a little piece of foil with a jacket around you. Still confused and injured, you wait in the dark for hours, maybe even days before you feel yourself moving again... and you're stuffed into another package with more gum in the exact same predicament that you are. Then, you all get put into a box which is loaded on a truck and driven far, far away. One day, the box is opened. You still can't see anything, but you hear some annoying 90s soft-rock in the background and the equally annoying beep beep beep of a checkout lane. For weeks you sit there, memorizing every Billy Joel and Michael Bolton song known to man and counting how many times someone asks how much the lettuce costs...until one day you feel something come around you... you're hoisted up into the air and then BANG! plopped down onto the counter. Then, all at once a blinding red light accompanies the all too familiar beep, followed by the swishing of a plastic grocery bag.
A few lonely hours later, you find that the outer package is being ripped open, two fingers tightly clamp your label-bearing jacket and rip it off... next comes the foil. you can see! Life is good again! this person is a lifesaver! but wait, whats this? why are they putting you in their mouth? OW! They bit you! and Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!!! they keep doing it... biting and biting and biting... what did you ever do to them? after a few hours, you can't really feel the pain anymore... but you're no longer a nice, clean stick of pink gum. You're now a pale sticky wad of nothingness. This human mouth has violated and destroyed your frail lifeform...
Then, the mouth opens... you're plucked out with the same two fingers and thrown to the ground. You lie there on the cold sidewalk for hours... thinking of your short, yet painful life...wondering what was to happen to you next... could a chewed up wad of gum get a job anywhere? If so, doing what? holding up a poster? trapping a small colony of ants?
You don't have long to wallow in this though, because before you know it... you're stepped on. Yes, as if you couldn't get any lower, you're now collecting dirt on the bottom of some snotty little kids, smelly, squeaky sneaker. Your life is worthless.
Same for like... a soccer ball or something. Just think about it.
Anyway... now that I've bored you with my pointless personification rants...
I guess things aren't that bad. I've got a lot to be thankful for. Including the fact that I can sit here and type this, and there are actually people who will be foolish enough to waste time reading it. lol (no offense or anything...)
Its just hard sometimes, ya know? Going day to day... wearing out the same problems... lying in bed at night searching for a reason... any reason to get out of bed in the morning. It all builds up on you sometimes... I guess thats whats going on now. Everything has been so flatline lately... which is good I suppose... better than something horrible happening.
I think I'm finally on my way to getting over Devin. Or at least, I'm going to pretend that I am... and maybe I will be. Its about time anyway... there wasn't ever anything there. Ha... ya know how he's with Allie? well... okay, you probably don't... but he is... and well, Matt (the guy I've been substituting for Devin lately) likes a girl named Allie as well. Strange.
I miss Emily. I hope she's all right... I haven't heard from her in a long time. I'm sure she's fine and all... I mean, I'm sure she's with Alex or Katelyn or one of her siblings or something... I just wish she'd call and tell me that. *shrugs*
I've been really bitchy lately. I really have. I need to stop that. It's not like I mean to... I hate when I get like that... but, it goes back to being in this slump... I just get really bitchy and fed up with everyone and everything. So, any of you who are reading this now... if I've been mean to you lately, don't take it personally... I'm sorry. I'll get over it soon.
I hate how sometimes I'll get really pissed off at someone at night when I have time to think... and then I see them the next day, and all they have to do is say 'hi'. or something to that effect and I can't be pissed off at them anymore. I really hate that. I want to be mad at someone when I'm around them. Weird, yes, but true.
I also want a Milky Way from Wired... but I can never get one again, because I always took like... 4 drinks and then gave the rest to Emily and she's not here anymore. It just wouldn't be the same.
Can you tell I'm just wasting time and trying to distract myself here? I guess I should call tommy about rides for the speech meet tomorrow... then go practice and go to bed so I can get a decent amount of sleep tonight. Sheesh, what a waste of a Friday night.
Anyone wanna do something tomorrow? I might actually be going skating with Kelly-Jo and some others and then to see Phantom with Amy and whoever else she gets to go with her... but I'm sure neither of them would care if people wanted to come along. I'm actually in the mood to do something though... I mean, watching movies would be fun I guess... I dunno. I actually feel like... I dunno... going to a park or something... seriously... just spend a day playing on the merry-go-round and the swings and what not... and then walk over to the dairy shack and get ice cream or order a pizza or something.
but then the mature part in me kicks in and realizes that I'm probably the only one of my friends who would actually enjoy something like that. *shrugs* I like being a little kid sometimes.
Maybe I'll just go fingerpaint and watch old episodes of Rainbow Bright and the Care bears. lol
As weird as that may sound to you... it actually sounds like a blast to me... so yeah, I'll be reliving my childhood tonight.
Call if you want.
So anyway, I decided that I'll mix in a few entries now and then. I mean, what's wrong with having...what... 5 blogs now? (yeah, I deleted a few)
Things suck for me lately, but hey, what else is new. I'm not trying to be one of those emo kids who are all 'no one loves me. the world is against me. it seems like everyone's out to get me... I'm in love with someone who doesn't even know I exist...' etc. but, well, no one loves me, the world is against me, it seems like everyone's out to get me and I'm in love with someone who doesn't even know I exist.
huh, maybe I'm an emo kid after all. who knew. its not so bad I suppose. Better than being... umm... a piece of gum. Think about it. You start out as a looooooong strand of gum... all happy and content with your family and friends... until one day, some idiot comes and chops you off into a little two inch piece (unless you're that foot long gum... but we wont' get into that) you get coated with sugar and all kind of nasty stuff, and then stuffed into a little piece of foil with a jacket around you. Still confused and injured, you wait in the dark for hours, maybe even days before you feel yourself moving again... and you're stuffed into another package with more gum in the exact same predicament that you are. Then, you all get put into a box which is loaded on a truck and driven far, far away. One day, the box is opened. You still can't see anything, but you hear some annoying 90s soft-rock in the background and the equally annoying beep beep beep of a checkout lane. For weeks you sit there, memorizing every Billy Joel and Michael Bolton song known to man and counting how many times someone asks how much the lettuce costs...until one day you feel something come around you... you're hoisted up into the air and then BANG! plopped down onto the counter. Then, all at once a blinding red light accompanies the all too familiar beep, followed by the swishing of a plastic grocery bag.
A few lonely hours later, you find that the outer package is being ripped open, two fingers tightly clamp your label-bearing jacket and rip it off... next comes the foil. you can see! Life is good again! this person is a lifesaver! but wait, whats this? why are they putting you in their mouth? OW! They bit you! and Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!!! they keep doing it... biting and biting and biting... what did you ever do to them? after a few hours, you can't really feel the pain anymore... but you're no longer a nice, clean stick of pink gum. You're now a pale sticky wad of nothingness. This human mouth has violated and destroyed your frail lifeform...
Then, the mouth opens... you're plucked out with the same two fingers and thrown to the ground. You lie there on the cold sidewalk for hours... thinking of your short, yet painful life...wondering what was to happen to you next... could a chewed up wad of gum get a job anywhere? If so, doing what? holding up a poster? trapping a small colony of ants?
You don't have long to wallow in this though, because before you know it... you're stepped on. Yes, as if you couldn't get any lower, you're now collecting dirt on the bottom of some snotty little kids, smelly, squeaky sneaker. Your life is worthless.
Same for like... a soccer ball or something. Just think about it.
Anyway... now that I've bored you with my pointless personification rants...
I guess things aren't that bad. I've got a lot to be thankful for. Including the fact that I can sit here and type this, and there are actually people who will be foolish enough to waste time reading it. lol (no offense or anything...)
Its just hard sometimes, ya know? Going day to day... wearing out the same problems... lying in bed at night searching for a reason... any reason to get out of bed in the morning. It all builds up on you sometimes... I guess thats whats going on now. Everything has been so flatline lately... which is good I suppose... better than something horrible happening.
I think I'm finally on my way to getting over Devin. Or at least, I'm going to pretend that I am... and maybe I will be. Its about time anyway... there wasn't ever anything there. Ha... ya know how he's with Allie? well... okay, you probably don't... but he is... and well, Matt (the guy I've been substituting for Devin lately) likes a girl named Allie as well. Strange.
I miss Emily. I hope she's all right... I haven't heard from her in a long time. I'm sure she's fine and all... I mean, I'm sure she's with Alex or Katelyn or one of her siblings or something... I just wish she'd call and tell me that. *shrugs*
I've been really bitchy lately. I really have. I need to stop that. It's not like I mean to... I hate when I get like that... but, it goes back to being in this slump... I just get really bitchy and fed up with everyone and everything. So, any of you who are reading this now... if I've been mean to you lately, don't take it personally... I'm sorry. I'll get over it soon.
I hate how sometimes I'll get really pissed off at someone at night when I have time to think... and then I see them the next day, and all they have to do is say 'hi'. or something to that effect and I can't be pissed off at them anymore. I really hate that. I want to be mad at someone when I'm around them. Weird, yes, but true.
I also want a Milky Way from Wired... but I can never get one again, because I always took like... 4 drinks and then gave the rest to Emily and she's not here anymore. It just wouldn't be the same.
Can you tell I'm just wasting time and trying to distract myself here? I guess I should call tommy about rides for the speech meet tomorrow... then go practice and go to bed so I can get a decent amount of sleep tonight. Sheesh, what a waste of a Friday night.
Anyone wanna do something tomorrow? I might actually be going skating with Kelly-Jo and some others and then to see Phantom with Amy and whoever else she gets to go with her... but I'm sure neither of them would care if people wanted to come along. I'm actually in the mood to do something though... I mean, watching movies would be fun I guess... I dunno. I actually feel like... I dunno... going to a park or something... seriously... just spend a day playing on the merry-go-round and the swings and what not... and then walk over to the dairy shack and get ice cream or order a pizza or something.
but then the mature part in me kicks in and realizes that I'm probably the only one of my friends who would actually enjoy something like that. *shrugs* I like being a little kid sometimes.
Maybe I'll just go fingerpaint and watch old episodes of Rainbow Bright and the Care bears. lol
As weird as that may sound to you... it actually sounds like a blast to me... so yeah, I'll be reliving my childhood tonight.
Call if you want.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Goodbye, the future's sold out
There's no use screaming
Who thought we'd ever get this far
Tonight, your faith has come down
To money & a TV
Psychics who've never been to Mars
And nazis breast feeding
I know you must be upset
I can't find meaning
I'm sorry, we're sorry
We're all scared, all scared
Hey, is anybody home
Has anybody wasted tears on
The loneliness
That everyone becomes
Goodnight, the truth has come out
Everyone's needy
White teeth, a ticket to meet God
Be all that you envy
The shotgun under your bed has
Started breathing
You shot it, you shot it
I'm bare, I'm bare
Hey, is anybody home
Has anybody painted fear
On the bedroom walls that save us from . . .
There's no use screaming
Who thought we'd ever get this far
Tonight, your faith has come down
To money & a TV
Psychics who've never been to Mars
And nazis breast feeding
I know you must be upset
I can't find meaning
I'm sorry, we're sorry
We're all scared, all scared
Hey, is anybody home
Has anybody wasted tears on
The loneliness
That everyone becomes
Goodnight, the truth has come out
Everyone's needy
White teeth, a ticket to meet God
Be all that you envy
The shotgun under your bed has
Started breathing
You shot it, you shot it
I'm bare, I'm bare
Hey, is anybody home
Has anybody painted fear
On the bedroom walls that save us from . . .
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