And Jesus, I'm ready to come home.

Lately I feel like I'm trying to push my limits without any thought of consequence.

I am not well.

I spent three hours at the gym yesterday, and three and a half today. I plan on going tomorrow morning before school, and then right after school until EPYO.

If there's anything that I will never regret from this experience, it would be how close I've become to my mom. I'm still years away from telling her what all happened last year... but we're getting closer.

I just found out that one of my favorite bands is a Christian band. Which is cool. I've been on a Jesus kick since Thursday evening... which is also cool.

I feel like I would do better at Reitz, academically speaking. No, I know I would do better at reitz, academically speaking.
But I'm wondering if socially I would be just as far behind. I've got my shows. I feel okay there... but I'm so insecure with my new self.

Before he leaves for college, I will have done something about this.

I made a new friend who's in a band thats about to take off. And he's a real friend, not just someone who somewhat remembers me. We talked for awhile, and then he sent me a message on myspace about some of the stuff we discussed.
And things have been progressing from there. (Not like that. He's 32.)

Do you ever feel like absolutely all the problems in the world would be solved if you didn't wake up tomorrow morning?

So, not ten minutes ago I was on the floor in a little ball, hugging my teddy bear, crying harder than I have in months.
I'm not going to go into why.

But for some reason, I got the urge to come to the computer... and turn on some music. I didn't know why, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to listen to unless it was going to further my moment of self-pity.
So I went to turn on some Radiohead... and somehow, hit F instead of R
and ended up at FFH... whom I haven't listened to in years.
So I turned on a song of theirs that I use to be particularly fond of...
and I can't describe it.
Its like one of those spiritual moments where I know things are going to be okay.

I think maybe Jai told Jesus that I needed some extra help.

and I'm still sad... and I'm still on the verge of tears
but I'm not hopeless.
I feel like there's someone here with me now.
Like maybe this is exactly what I was looking for.

I think I'm going to start going to church more often.

His way or no way, totalitarian.

I haven't updated this in almost a year.
I've sold my internet soul to greatestjournal and myspace.

We're all very happy together.

Ha, I remember starting this journal. I was big on the whole sneaking around and not letting anyone know it was me leaving comments on their blogs.
That didn't last long though. I've always been horrible at keeping secrets like that. You can do lotsa stuff with this one now, though.

I don't know why I'm bothering to update now, honestly. The only person who ever read this was Kelly Jo, and I sincerely doubt that she even recalls its existance.

I know I'm not the only one who continues to look at one person's journal day after day, even after months of no updates... but I'm not going to flatter myself and say anyone does that to me.
Especially not on here.

Perhaps, since no one reads this anyway, I could just post all the stuff that I want to say but can't, and let poor unsuspecting blog-stalkers stumble across my pent up anger.

Ha, aren't we dramatic?

I'm not really all that angry. In fact, if I had to pick an adjective to describe me, angry would be among the last, along with tan. Snow White has nothing on me in the winter.

I don't have any friends. Isn't that sad? I feel that's safe to say here. You won't tell, will you? With my luck, every single person I've ever met will now find this and I'll be hounded on over and over again. Oh boy.
Perhaps I should try to rephrase that...

I have friends. Lots of them, actually. I rarely meet a person I don't like. But that's the thing. I like a lot of different things in a lot of different people, making it impossible for me to have any real, close friends.
I haven't talked to anyone, aside from small talk and school related matters, in months. Mostly its my fault. I kind of pulled away from the two friends who hadn't abandoned me. Sorry, Tommy and Laura, if you read this.

But maybe that's how its suppose to be. Maybe I'm not suppose to have anyone close to me. After Shadow was killed, I just... didn't feel like talking to anyone ever again... and I kind of didn't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm having the time of my life. I laugh constantly, and I'm happier than I've been in years.
Just... very lonely.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone I could call without having to explain myself.

Goodness... for making this a "sorry I haven't posted in a year" type of entry, I sure have rambled.
I'm like that relative at Christmas that you can't get away from. You better go, or I'll be pulling out the wallet photos.

Who am I even talking to?
Meh, it doesn't matter.
I should go anyway. Perhaps I'll be around again soon.
It was nice talking to you... whoever you are.