Am I more than you bargained for yet?

You wake up but not really. In the bedroom you grew up in. It's the only place on this entire planet that is yours. The only place on the planet that understands you. It understands the way your nerves flare everytime you think about talking to anyone, scared into shyness at the thought of opening your mouth but the way you are the best hypocrite around when you're in front of a microphone. It knows what turns that switch on and off and on again. It understands the way when you don't have a smile on your face everyone only spits: "what's wrong"s and "you look tired"s. So the way you keep it on your face just wide enough to avoid questions. It understands how neurotic you have become, the way you treat your flaws like old friends. The way you look in the mirror and think of yourself as "Ms. Misery"...

I hate grammar.
I hate spell check.
they are tools and trades we focus on when the right words escape us.
while we can use them in a world that we write, where we make our own rules, they can rob a piece of its life.
for me words are more of a compulsion.
it is involuntary.
it falls in the catagory of breathing and the beating of the heart.
sometimes I want to throw my hands up.
to wave the white flag.
to apologize for everything I havent done yet.
but usually I want to forget the pictures and the rumors.
to become a recollection, a shared memory. visually: a faint, sentimental face that blurs into the background of everything. to watch that everything turn to static.
and only be thought of by the clicking of these keys.

Say it soft, and its almost like praying

He's perfect.
He's perfect.

He's PERFECT.

I have an unstable knowledge and assurance of self.
I feel like I know pretty much who I am, and since I am only seventeen, I'm more or less positive that this will COMPLETELY change in a matter of a few short years.

But I don't want it to.

I had such low self-esteem for such a long time, that being able to wake up and not absolutely loathe the person in the mirror 100% of the time is an absolute miracle.
I like who I am now, and I haven't been able to say that in years.

I know that I'm not going to change until I want to... and until its right for me... and I know that whatever/whoever I change in to will be a reflection of who I am at the time, and therefore I'll be okay with whoever I am (or, at least I like to think so.)
And I know that being a 40-year-old women and still doing half the things I do now, would not exactly be smiled upon in society...

but it scares me. I don't ever want to be boring. I don't ever want to not have friends. I don't ever want anyone to look at me and feel sorry for me. I don't want to be the old woman using her walker in walmart who drops her soap and can't pick it up.
I would rather die now, I think.

I wish there were a way to push a button and see a preview for the future, just so I know that it exists, and that everything will be, in a sense, okay.

I wish someone cared.

one thing I'm grateful for this week is the fact that Kasey gave me a new CD.

its AMAZING. I'm in LOVE.

The Band is called Flyleaf, and if you haven't heard of them, I suggest that you change that immediately.

Music has the power to completely and totally change my day/week/year/life.

I looooooooooooove lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove it.

In other news
my nose itches REALLY bad. I can't seem to make it stop.
don't you hate that?

13 days until school is out, with only 9 actual days of school left, and actually, if you put the half days together, its only like... 7. And if I don't count the last day of school or my second day of finals which is going to be cake... then its only 6. yaaaaaaay!
I'm so ready to be done with this year, I can't even tell you.

14 days until the COOLEST trip to holiday world EVER.
With the COOLEST people I've ever met.

16 days until my summer kick-off party. I'm gonna start having pool parties every thursday night. I'm excited. it will be fun. leave your drama at the door.
I suppose I should go ahead and ask my parents if that's okay.

21 days until summer musical starts.

Two days until I go to the mall to apply for a job with Jamie.

approxamately 70 days until I decide if I'm going to go to Sig next year, or finish out my high school career at Reitz.
Which I would love to do.
It would have made things a lot easier in the first place.
But I wouldn't have met half of the amazing people that I know now.

But I miss my friends. I miss Laura and Jamie. And after this summer, I'm not sure I'll be able to survive without them.
We're going to have a CRAZY summer.
I'm so excited.
I'm going to lose 19384793w786492385 pounds and makes Steve fall in love with me.

Until then, however, I have to make it past school.

So I'm going to go work on that.
<3

My wrists are black and blue from bumping the edge of the table next to the keyboard like a punching bag. Im sorry just that’s the only way I know how to get this out. consider it closer to preheating the oven for when I drag the pen across my skin and spill the ink.

so many things are running through my mind right now. I couldn't begin to tell you, even if I wanted to. I never thought it would hurt this much.

I feel completely and utterly worthless.

People try to console something they cannot.
Its appreciated, but it doesn't do anything.

This is one of the worst feelings in the entire world.

The Calendar Hung Itself

I need some meaning I can memorize.

Each day I realize a little more that I'm no longer friends with my friends.
On the weekends I just lay on the grass outside and watch the clouds go by.
I'm probably crazy, but at least I'm happy.

Maybe its a teenage thing.

I hate being looked down upon for my age, for my peers... but I know that I'll eventually do the same thing... so I guess I don't mind it too much.

So, what's new? Nothing, really. But at the same time, absolutely everything. School seems to be a waste of time and effort, though I know getting an education is important... and it has its moments.
My family is pretty normal. Sort of. We never fight. I don't think that's normal. We don't talk much, but when we do, its surprisingly plesant. I quite enjoy it. I'm at the point now where I enjoy hanging out with my parents more than I enjoy going to those stupid parties.
Which, at 17, seems a little strange... but hey, my parents are cool people... and if I go to DePauw next fall like I want to... then I'll rarely ever get to see them.

Part of me wishes I was a senior this year, so that I could be done with all of this high-school business. But I'm glad that I have another year... because I know that I'm going to miss this place and these people. Besides, I'm not ready to grow up just yet. I still need my parents, and my friends, and a place to sleep at night.

There are certain people in my life right now whom I feel sorry for. I'm not going to drop names or analyze their situations in an internet blog. I just haven't been very available lately, so I'd like them to know that I'm thinking of them. I think they know who they are.

I seem to be living in my head a lot. I walk around with my headphones on, assuming that everyone else can hear the same songs and understand and feel them like I do... and just know what I feel like.
I'm so use to not talking to anyone, that its weird to carry on conversations now.

I'm getting my prom dress in New York City. But I'm only getting one if I decide to go. And I'm only going to go if Steve goes with me. And I'm only going to ask Steve if I find a dress... and some confidence.
See how this is a viscious circle?

My mom suggested that I ask Chris, too. He would probably say yes... but I think it would be weird... so we'll have to see, I guess.
I really need to do some self-improvement in the next few weeks.

I really need to do some homework right now.

Honestly, I only update this thing to see the profile view count go up.
I'm quite shallow.

But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."

And Jesus, I'm ready to come home.

Lately I feel like I'm trying to push my limits without any thought of consequence.

I am not well.

I spent three hours at the gym yesterday, and three and a half today. I plan on going tomorrow morning before school, and then right after school until EPYO.

If there's anything that I will never regret from this experience, it would be how close I've become to my mom. I'm still years away from telling her what all happened last year... but we're getting closer.

I just found out that one of my favorite bands is a Christian band. Which is cool. I've been on a Jesus kick since Thursday evening... which is also cool.

I feel like I would do better at Reitz, academically speaking. No, I know I would do better at reitz, academically speaking.
But I'm wondering if socially I would be just as far behind. I've got my shows. I feel okay there... but I'm so insecure with my new self.

Before he leaves for college, I will have done something about this.

I made a new friend who's in a band thats about to take off. And he's a real friend, not just someone who somewhat remembers me. We talked for awhile, and then he sent me a message on myspace about some of the stuff we discussed.
And things have been progressing from there. (Not like that. He's 32.)

Do you ever feel like absolutely all the problems in the world would be solved if you didn't wake up tomorrow morning?

So, not ten minutes ago I was on the floor in a little ball, hugging my teddy bear, crying harder than I have in months.
I'm not going to go into why.

But for some reason, I got the urge to come to the computer... and turn on some music. I didn't know why, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to listen to unless it was going to further my moment of self-pity.
So I went to turn on some Radiohead... and somehow, hit F instead of R
and ended up at FFH... whom I haven't listened to in years.
So I turned on a song of theirs that I use to be particularly fond of...
and I can't describe it.
Its like one of those spiritual moments where I know things are going to be okay.

I think maybe Jai told Jesus that I needed some extra help.

and I'm still sad... and I'm still on the verge of tears
but I'm not hopeless.
I feel like there's someone here with me now.
Like maybe this is exactly what I was looking for.

I think I'm going to start going to church more often.

His way or no way, totalitarian.

I haven't updated this in almost a year.
I've sold my internet soul to greatestjournal and myspace.

We're all very happy together.

Ha, I remember starting this journal. I was big on the whole sneaking around and not letting anyone know it was me leaving comments on their blogs.
That didn't last long though. I've always been horrible at keeping secrets like that. You can do lotsa stuff with this one now, though.

I don't know why I'm bothering to update now, honestly. The only person who ever read this was Kelly Jo, and I sincerely doubt that she even recalls its existance.

I know I'm not the only one who continues to look at one person's journal day after day, even after months of no updates... but I'm not going to flatter myself and say anyone does that to me.
Especially not on here.

Perhaps, since no one reads this anyway, I could just post all the stuff that I want to say but can't, and let poor unsuspecting blog-stalkers stumble across my pent up anger.

Ha, aren't we dramatic?

I'm not really all that angry. In fact, if I had to pick an adjective to describe me, angry would be among the last, along with tan. Snow White has nothing on me in the winter.

I don't have any friends. Isn't that sad? I feel that's safe to say here. You won't tell, will you? With my luck, every single person I've ever met will now find this and I'll be hounded on over and over again. Oh boy.
Perhaps I should try to rephrase that...

I have friends. Lots of them, actually. I rarely meet a person I don't like. But that's the thing. I like a lot of different things in a lot of different people, making it impossible for me to have any real, close friends.
I haven't talked to anyone, aside from small talk and school related matters, in months. Mostly its my fault. I kind of pulled away from the two friends who hadn't abandoned me. Sorry, Tommy and Laura, if you read this.

But maybe that's how its suppose to be. Maybe I'm not suppose to have anyone close to me. After Shadow was killed, I just... didn't feel like talking to anyone ever again... and I kind of didn't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm having the time of my life. I laugh constantly, and I'm happier than I've been in years.
Just... very lonely.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone I could call without having to explain myself.

Goodness... for making this a "sorry I haven't posted in a year" type of entry, I sure have rambled.
I'm like that relative at Christmas that you can't get away from. You better go, or I'll be pulling out the wallet photos.

Who am I even talking to?
Meh, it doesn't matter.
I should go anyway. Perhaps I'll be around again soon.
It was nice talking to you... whoever you are.